Tips for visitors to Russia, and some of my favorite conversations

These are transcriptions of real conversations that I have had with people in Russia this week.

1. "Do not take pictures at the palace or the old women who guard each room will beat you with a fan and tell you to stop taking pictures."

2. "If a police officer points at you while you are driving, you are to pull over immediately and show him your papers (proof of insurance, registration, and drivers license). If your papers are somehow not acceptable, he may remove the license plates from your car, which you must retrieve from the police station after paying a fine. If you want to bribe the officer you say "is there something that can be done?" If there are no cameras recording the event, they will usually accept a bribe of between 100-1000 Rubles. A bargaining session determines the amount of the bribe."

3. Read with a Russian accent: "If I operate on this person without positive biopsy they will send me to Collective Farm for one year.  Do you have this Collective Farm in America, yes?   OK, this is joke.  I will not go to collective farm because I will tell them that Dr. Sturgeon told me to operate."

4. Conversation with tour guide:
--- "Have you heard of this man who was poisoned, shot 4 times, beaten, rolled up in a curtain, and then thrown in the river to drown?  That is how we treat our enemies."
     --- "You mean Rasputin?  You're talking about Rasputin, right?"
--- "Oh, you know this man?"
     --- "No, I don't know him.  He is not my friend."

5. "Never dip bread into soup- very bad manners. Never in my life have I see this."

6. In central Moscow, parking is strictly regulated with a 3000 ruble fine for illegal parking.  Everywhere else in Moscow you park wherever you can. Everyone parks on the sidewalks.

7. Never give an even number of flowers to somebody. This is very bad luck. An even number of flowers are only used in funerals. 

8. Never shake hands or give something to a Russian  across a doorway. It is considered bad luck.